I've found that most people spend their Mondays cleaning their houses, running errands, and doing other productive things. Not me. Mondays are my nothing day. For some reason the weekend exhausts me, things are usually a mess (as noted in a previous post), and I have endured an excess of family time. Cleaning is the last thing I want to do on a Monday.

Mondays are for vegging. Here is what I did today:

5:55 am: Woke up with the thought, "Ugh! It's so dark, what time is it?" glance at clock. "5:55. Izzy's been waking up lately at this time, maybe she'll sleep in today."

5:57 am: "Waaa! Waaa!" Izzy crying. "How does she KNOW to wake up at the exact same time everyday? Are the sprinklers waking her up? I'm going to pretend I don't hear her."

5:59 am: Izzy goes back to sleep. I lay awake.

6:36 am: Avery is crying on the stairs. I jump out of bed and scoop her up. "Sshhh! Izzy's sleeping, don't wake her up!!"

Avery: "I want to watch a show!"

Me: "It's nighttime. See how dark it is? You smell like pee. Did you wet the bed?"

Avery: "My panties are dry. I want to watch a show!"

6:37 am: Take Avery pee, ignore stench of panties, which are in fact dry, indicating that the accident happened sometime during the night and didn't seem to bother her.

6:38 am: Turn on age-appropriate cartoon and give Avery warning not to wake anyone up, especially me.

6:39 am: Get back in bed.

7:10 am: show's over, Izzy and Rylee are awake, breakfast must be served immediately or all hell will break loose.

7:15 am: We all eat breakfast. I read Entertainment Weekly.

7:40 am: We all give daddy hugs goodbye and he goes to work. While I'm up I decide to throw in a load of whites (I know, it breaks everything I stand for on Mondays, but don't worry, I never fold or put them away, I just wash and dry them).

8:00 am: Children watch Disney Channel while Izzy and I shower. It's better than having her cry at the door of the shower for 8 minutes.

8:02 am: I decide I'm too tired to shave my legs. Izzy decides it's fun to take every bottle of shampoo, conditioner, shave gel, etc. and lift it back and forth between the shower seat and the floor.

8:30 am: Doorbell rings and I am in a panic. Who rings doorbells at eight in the morning?FedEx. Who ships ATM cards overnight via FedEx? Bank of America, apparently.

9:00 am: Oh, what's another show going to hurt? Kids watch more shows.

9:36 am: Can't find where I left my Entertainment Weekly magazine so I decide to do the dishes (wow, I DO do some work on Mondays!).

9:43 am: Neighbor calls and invites us to walk to park with her.

9:44 am: Kids are ecstatic about going to park.

9:50 am: I turn off Movie Time Monday to get kids dressed. Kids no longer ecstatic to go to park.

9:56 am: Rylee still throwing fit about not going EVER. Threatening to break her head open. Don't ask me why she does this. I don't know. I just hope it goes away soon.

10:02 am: Neighbor knocks on door--sees house in absolute squalor--because we are late. Rylee rebounds instantly and puts shoes on.

10:40 am: Rylee decides she's done with park even though everyone else is still having a great time. We all walk back to my house to enjoy the filth and squalor once again. Fortunately, neighbor has had 8 children between two marriages and understands.

11:00 am: Neighbor and I talk decorating ideas while kids refuse to play with each other and just fight and scream.

11:07 am: Avery lifts shirt up and shows neighbor her "itch" (birthmark) just for fun.

11:10 am: Neighbor learns that I am Mormon and is fascinated that I have never drank or smoke.

11:20 am: Screaming of children has become too loud for neighbor and I to hear each other so we will continue conversations another day. Neighbor leaves, I fix Macaroni and Cheese for kids.

Noon: Izzy goes down for nap. I hit the computer to catch up on emails, etc. Talk on phone to friends.

1:oo pm: Avery and Rylee are fighting loudly. Put Avery down for nap. She goes down too easily and I know it will not last. 

1:10 pm: Who can I call? I need to call someone. Mom.

1:55 pm: I see Avery peeking down from top of stairs. I step over piles of toys and mess that I have been ignoring and put her back in bed. The entire process wakes Izzy.

2:00 pm: Get Izzy and Rylee snack. Check email again.

2:30 pm: Avery comes downstairs. This time I let her stay.

2:45-3:30 pm: Break up fights among siblings. Put various children in timeout.

3:31 pm: Attempt to find a neighborhood friend for Rylee to play with.

3:33 pm: Give up on finding a neighborhood friend for Rylee to play with.

3:34 pm: Give everyone another snack.

3:36 pm: Break up a massive brawl over graham cracker sticks.

3:40 pm: Notice that Izzy's hair keeps getting stuck in her runny nose, so give her two ponies. 

3:42 pm: Contemplate taking a picture of how cute Izzy is in her ponies, but it's too much effort so I don't. 

3:43 pm: Worry that Izzy will judge my parenting abilities that her childhood was so undocumented.

3:44 pm: Where is that Entertainment Weekly???

4:00 pm: Think that maybe a blog documenting my do-nothing-Monday might be funny.

4:15 pm: Fight off children and their requests for snacks while I attempt to blog about what I did today.

4:39 pm: Realize that only Jerry Seinfeld can make "doing nothing" funny.

4:45 pm: Saved! Chad is home early!